A man went to a gift store to buy his girlfriend a pair of gloves for her birthday.
He had the manager try them on. She said they were perfect, so he had the manager wrap them up. When the manager gave him the gift she accidently gave him a pair of panties instead.
When the girlfriend got the gift there was a note attached to it.
The note said:
Dear Charlotte, Hope you like your birthday gift. The lady at store said they were perfect. I had her try them on for me. She looked more like a lady. I hope you will wear them for me tonight.
Love, Peter
PS: The latest style is to wear them folded in with a little fur showing.
Present for Your Wife - 70th Birthday Jokes
One morning, Roger is reminded by his secretary that it his wife’s 70th birthday.
At lunch, Roger goes to the local shopping mall and tries to find a gift for her. Upon passing a lingerie store, Roger realizes that his wife has never bought any lingerie in her life.
He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel good and young.
Roger goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee she has.
Roger takes the gift and excitedly runs home to his wife. Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it.
He’ll wait in the kitchen. His wife thanks him and goes up to the bedroom.
Once the package is opened she realizes that this is something she’s never had before. She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination.
She thinks for a moment and then decides that she’ll really surprise Roger and go downstairs without any clothes on at all.
So she leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs stark naked. She calls out, "Roger, come out to the hallway and look."
Roger walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims, "All that money and they didn’t even iron it?!"
At lunch, Roger goes to the local shopping mall and tries to find a gift for her. Upon passing a lingerie store, Roger realizes that his wife has never bought any lingerie in her life.
He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel good and young.
Roger goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee she has.
Roger takes the gift and excitedly runs home to his wife. Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it.
He’ll wait in the kitchen. His wife thanks him and goes up to the bedroom.
Once the package is opened she realizes that this is something she’s never had before. She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination.
She thinks for a moment and then decides that she’ll really surprise Roger and go downstairs without any clothes on at all.
So she leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs stark naked. She calls out, "Roger, come out to the hallway and look."
Roger walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims, "All that money and they didn’t even iron it?!"
Birthday Present Ideas for Your Boyfriend
A woman went into a pet shop to buy her boyfriend a birthday present. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. A sales assistant came up and asked if there was something he could help her with. "I wanted to buy my boyfriend a pet, but all of yours are so expensive" she says.
"Well," said the assistant, "I have a really big bullfrog in the back for $100.00. Would you like to see it?"
"$100.00? For a frog?" said the woman. The clerk said, "It’s a special frog. It’s gives blow jobs."
So, the woman decides to buy the frog. She takes it home to her boyfriend, explains the frog and they’re both happy. The woman goes to bed. Around two in the morning she is awakened by pots and pans banging around in the kitchen.
She gets up to go see what’s going on and, when she gets to the kitchen, she sees her boyfriend and the frog sitting at the kitchen table looking through cookbooks.
"What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" says the woman. The guy looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is out of here!"
"Well," said the assistant, "I have a really big bullfrog in the back for $100.00. Would you like to see it?"
"$100.00? For a frog?" said the woman. The clerk said, "It’s a special frog. It’s gives blow jobs."
So, the woman decides to buy the frog. She takes it home to her boyfriend, explains the frog and they’re both happy. The woman goes to bed. Around two in the morning she is awakened by pots and pans banging around in the kitchen.
She gets up to go see what’s going on and, when she gets to the kitchen, she sees her boyfriend and the frog sitting at the kitchen table looking through cookbooks.
"What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" says the woman. The guy looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is out of here!"
How To Insult Old People On Their Birthday
1: You tell them that you went to the museum, saw dinosaur bones, and thought of them.
2: For their birthday you offer to help them blow out the candles.
3: On their birthday you tell the fire department that if they see a large fire, not to water it down because soggy moist cake is no good.
4: Explain to them that the reason that no one can see the Christmas tree is because you put on every ornament that they got in their life.
5: Ask them if they got Lincoln's autograph.
6: Tell them that the reason that they got no birthday gifts was that everyone had to pitch in to buy the candles.
7: Ask them if the Disney hit Hercules is telling the truth.
8: Ask them in what order God really made the Earth.
9: Ask them if they helped God write the Bible.
10: Ask them if they personally knew Adam and Eve.
2: For their birthday you offer to help them blow out the candles.
3: On their birthday you tell the fire department that if they see a large fire, not to water it down because soggy moist cake is no good.
4: Explain to them that the reason that no one can see the Christmas tree is because you put on every ornament that they got in their life.
5: Ask them if they got Lincoln's autograph.
6: Tell them that the reason that they got no birthday gifts was that everyone had to pitch in to buy the candles.
7: Ask them if the Disney hit Hercules is telling the truth.
8: Ask them in what order God really made the Earth.
9: Ask them if they helped God write the Bible.
10: Ask them if they personally knew Adam and Eve.
Funny 50th Birthday Joke List
• You’ll never have to endure those harrowing visits to the dentist again.
• You’ll save a fortune on shampoo.
• Your hernia operation will make you a star at the local pub.
• You will look distinguished with your receding hairline, double chin and wrinkles.
• You have survived the humiliation of middle age.
• You’ll no longer have to suffer the disappointment of thwarted ambitions – you no longer have any.
• You can finally sell those dreadful diet and exercise books that have sat unopened on the bookshelf for years.
• You’ll be the champ at history questions in the pub quiz.
• You can embarrass your family by entering glamorous granny or good-looking grandfather competitions.
• You don’t need to make an effort anymore – people will expect you to be frumpy, boring and cantankerous.
• Your failing memory allows you to convince yourself that you’re a super sex machine.
• You’ll be able to talk incessantly about the good old days.
• Your failing eyesight saves you the anguish of seeing your disintegrating body.
• You’ll save a fortune on shampoo.
• Your hernia operation will make you a star at the local pub.
• You will look distinguished with your receding hairline, double chin and wrinkles.
• You have survived the humiliation of middle age.
• You’ll no longer have to suffer the disappointment of thwarted ambitions – you no longer have any.
• You can finally sell those dreadful diet and exercise books that have sat unopened on the bookshelf for years.
• You’ll be the champ at history questions in the pub quiz.
• You can embarrass your family by entering glamorous granny or good-looking grandfather competitions.
• You don’t need to make an effort anymore – people will expect you to be frumpy, boring and cantankerous.
• Your failing memory allows you to convince yourself that you’re a super sex machine.
• You’ll be able to talk incessantly about the good old days.
• Your failing eyesight saves you the anguish of seeing your disintegrating body.
Funny Jokes 60th Birthday List
Top 10 Signs That You Are 60 Years Old
1.When you sleep, people worry you’re dead.
2.Your back goes out more than you do.
3.Your best friend is dating someone half their age...and aren’t breaking any laws.
4.You wear black socks with sandals.
5.When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
6.It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
7.Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
8.You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
9.Getting “lucky” means you found your car in the parking lot.
10.You forgot that you already had your 60th birthday.
1.When you sleep, people worry you’re dead.
2.Your back goes out more than you do.
3.Your best friend is dating someone half their age...and aren’t breaking any laws.
4.You wear black socks with sandals.
5.When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
6.It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
7.Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
8.You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
9.Getting “lucky” means you found your car in the parking lot.
10.You forgot that you already had your 60th birthday.
Awful Mother Kids Birthday Joke
The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep.
"Excuse me for disturbing you, ma'am," he said politely, "but I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and I've noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread."
"That's right." "Every day you hit him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were beating him with a chocolate cake." "Well, today is his birthday."
"Excuse me for disturbing you, ma'am," he said politely, "but I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and I've noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread."
"That's right." "Every day you hit him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were beating him with a chocolate cake." "Well, today is his birthday."
Young Kids Party Birthday Joke
A kindly old lady came across a little boy sitting on the pavement crying his eyes out. 'What's the matter?' she asked.
'It's my birthday!' he cried. 'And I had a bicycle and new sneakers and this afternoon theres a party with chips and jelly and a birthday cake and a jumping castle afterwards. . .' and he had to
stop talking because he was crying so hard.
'But that's lovely,' said the old lady. 'Why are you crying?'
'Because I'm lost!'
'It's my birthday!' he cried. 'And I had a bicycle and new sneakers and this afternoon theres a party with chips and jelly and a birthday cake and a jumping castle afterwards. . .' and he had to
stop talking because he was crying so hard.
'But that's lovely,' said the old lady. 'Why are you crying?'
'Because I'm lost!'
Bad Birthday Present for Wife Joke
A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, "I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday."
You can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything.
She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?"
He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"
You can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything.
She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?"
He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"
What Do You Want for Your Birthday Joke
The man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"
She said, "I'd love to be ten again."
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was.
She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.
Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets.
At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"
One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!"
She said, "I'd love to be ten again."
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was.
She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.
Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets.
At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"
One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!"
Still Fit and Healthy at 100 Birthday Joke
It was Grandpa Bob's 100th birthday and he was still in perfect health.
At his birthday party he was asked how he managed to live so long and stay so fit.
He explained "I put my long life down to spending so much time out of doors. I've been in the open air, day after day, rain or shine, for the last 75th years."
"How do you manage to keep up such a rigorous fitness regime?" we asked.
"It's simple" he said. "When I married my wife 75 years ago, we both made solemn pledge on our wedding night. We agreed that whenever we ever had a fight, whoever was proved wrong would go outside and take long walk."
At his birthday party he was asked how he managed to live so long and stay so fit.
He explained "I put my long life down to spending so much time out of doors. I've been in the open air, day after day, rain or shine, for the last 75th years."
"How do you manage to keep up such a rigorous fitness regime?" we asked.
"It's simple" he said. "When I married my wife 75 years ago, we both made solemn pledge on our wedding night. We agreed that whenever we ever had a fight, whoever was proved wrong would go outside and take long walk."
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